Wednesday is for blogging, really
I was going to try to write every week on Wednesday, but it just escaped me this week, so you get the in depth of my life on a Friday for a change.
I've had a bit of a crisis of faith this week. One of the blogs I used to read a lot was Arwen/Elizabeth . I stopped reading her blog about a month ago because I found her frustraiting. I have a lot in common with her. We're both christian, young, married and trying to get pregnant without any success. I found it so difficult to read her blog after a while because she wouldn't seek a diagnosis for what ever it was that was making it difficult to concieve. She just kept praying, crying and trusting in God. A couple of days ago I wandered past her blog, and oh my goodness, she's pregnant. Which is really, really wonderful news for having tried for so long.
My crisis of faith was this. Am I doing something wrong to just be rushing into the arms of ART to get pregnant? Have I trusted God enough to lead my life? How can I, as a bible study leader, or even as a Christian, be telling people to trust in God, when I clearly haven't in this part of my life? Should we just keep waiting? Can you be trusting in God and use ART?
The questions go on in endless permutations, but you probably get my point.
It's one area where I'm finding it interesting to balance my one side as a scientist (I want to know everything in as minute detail as possible) and the other side as a commited christian (who belives in miracles and has faith in God to direct my life).
The conclusion I've come to is that I forgot God. I got so wrapped up in the idea of having kids that I forgot to include God in this part of my life. At the first it was so easy, stop the pill, get pregnant, have baby, we can do it on our own. Then as things have gotten harder, but only in gradual steps, I kept forgetting God, we can do it on our own, we'll just take tests, do IVF and science will win the day. It took Arwens example to wake me up to what had happened. I don't want to pray "I want a baby", I want to pray for guidence, for it to be alright, what ever happens.
This isn't to say that I'm canceling my OB's appointments and we're going to give up on ART, not at all. Rather, I've realised that whether or not we have children will be entirely up to God, by what ever method they come about and that I want to include Him in the process.
I'm sure I'll have more to write on this in coming months.
In knitting news, I've finished my candy stripped socks! They ended up being pretty much fraternal, but if you squint hard they look almost the same. I'm posting from uni, so I don't have pictures. I'm currently working on a pair of small socks from the leftovers, 36 stitch socks go fast, I'm almost done.
The sideways spencer is yet again, almost done. I'm almost finished the seaming, then it's only about 100 rows of ribbing to go. I might yet get it done this week, I'm begining to want it in the mornings.
And thats about it for today.
I've had a bit of a crisis of faith this week. One of the blogs I used to read a lot was Arwen/Elizabeth . I stopped reading her blog about a month ago because I found her frustraiting. I have a lot in common with her. We're both christian, young, married and trying to get pregnant without any success. I found it so difficult to read her blog after a while because she wouldn't seek a diagnosis for what ever it was that was making it difficult to concieve. She just kept praying, crying and trusting in God. A couple of days ago I wandered past her blog, and oh my goodness, she's pregnant. Which is really, really wonderful news for having tried for so long.
My crisis of faith was this. Am I doing something wrong to just be rushing into the arms of ART to get pregnant? Have I trusted God enough to lead my life? How can I, as a bible study leader, or even as a Christian, be telling people to trust in God, when I clearly haven't in this part of my life? Should we just keep waiting? Can you be trusting in God and use ART?
The questions go on in endless permutations, but you probably get my point.
It's one area where I'm finding it interesting to balance my one side as a scientist (I want to know everything in as minute detail as possible) and the other side as a commited christian (who belives in miracles and has faith in God to direct my life).
The conclusion I've come to is that I forgot God. I got so wrapped up in the idea of having kids that I forgot to include God in this part of my life. At the first it was so easy, stop the pill, get pregnant, have baby, we can do it on our own. Then as things have gotten harder, but only in gradual steps, I kept forgetting God, we can do it on our own, we'll just take tests, do IVF and science will win the day. It took Arwens example to wake me up to what had happened. I don't want to pray "I want a baby", I want to pray for guidence, for it to be alright, what ever happens.
This isn't to say that I'm canceling my OB's appointments and we're going to give up on ART, not at all. Rather, I've realised that whether or not we have children will be entirely up to God, by what ever method they come about and that I want to include Him in the process.
I'm sure I'll have more to write on this in coming months.
In knitting news, I've finished my candy stripped socks! They ended up being pretty much fraternal, but if you squint hard they look almost the same. I'm posting from uni, so I don't have pictures. I'm currently working on a pair of small socks from the leftovers, 36 stitch socks go fast, I'm almost done.
The sideways spencer is yet again, almost done. I'm almost finished the seaming, then it's only about 100 rows of ribbing to go. I might yet get it done this week, I'm begining to want it in the mornings.
And thats about it for today.
posted by nellie @ 9:03 am
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